(Reader’s Alert: I would give this post a PG-13)
“Even a man who is pure in heart
And says his prayers by night
May Become a wolf
When the wolfbane blooms
And the Autumn moon is bright”
You have got to be kidding me – the werewolf is the victim! OK, I have got to calm down. Let me take a few deep cleansing breathes before I go any further into exploring the only canine that got Cesar Millan to talk above a whisper!
Let me spend a good “Night on Bald Mountain” and enjoy a Chernobog view of the situation. If I understand the facts correctly: Larry Talbot (aka The Wolf Man) is estranged from his family; and he only returns home after his brother dies in a hunting accident (hey boys in Scotland Yard, you might want to check Larry’s whereabouts during the time of the alleged accident – ask yourselves who stands to gain if something should happen to the first-born son?).
When Larry arrives back home, the first thing he does – the very first thing – is not show compassion or sympathy for his Dad or his brother’s surviving friends, no, he is no sooner home than the dashes upstairs grabs one of his father’s telescopes and gets his soon-to-be four-legged voyeurism freak on spying on the village hottie.
He is obviously so grief-stricken, Larry hauls his destined to be shaggy tail down to the village where he spotted the vixen just moments before entering her family’s store. He buys the largest and cheapest (kids, don’t read this nor ask your parents what it means) phallic symbol in the store.
Then he pours on the sappy: “My brother just died and I can’t stand the thought of being alone right now” (the oldest trick in the G.I. and Soon-to-be-Monster Icon playbook). The sly dog actually convinces the lovely Gwen Conliffe into not only going on a pity date with him, he’s so brazen he gets her to bring a “friend” along to act as “chaperone.”
When the date doesn’t live up to Larry’s expectations (what did he expect would happen after taking the ladies out to free Gypsy festival? His generations version of a “mac & cheese and Redbox movie” date), Gwen’s friend Jenny decides to leave.
Larry’s such a fine gentleman that he’s content with letting Jenny walk home through the misty dark forest all alone. As fate would have it, Jenny is attacked by the thought to be extinct British wolf. Obviously frustrated over how the evening was going, Larry whacks the wolf to death with his silver tipped cane.
By this point, Jenny no longer accepting calls at 867-5309, the wolf manages to bite Larry before dying, and it turns out that the wolf is actually a Gypsy man named Bela, who was transformed into a wolf because of a legendary curse…and who are we supposed to feel sorry for? Of course, it’s obvious – Larry!
Someone has to tell the Welsh townsfolk of Llanwelly to stop being a bunch of enablers! It’s past time to go all Bob Barker and “fix” the problem permanently.
But oh no, everyone is still fine with good old Larry. He even attends Bela’s funeral. In fact, Bela’s mother even gives Larry a charm. Being the progressive player that Larry is, when things with Gwen and Jenny failed to work out, he has no problems going on a second date with Gwen – just as long as she brings her fiancé Frank along so the boys can get into a shooting contest.
When the full moon comes, it’s Larry’s turn to stalk the woods and terrorize the townsfolk. Why Jenny is not even fully in the ground when Larry decides to maul her gravedigger.
After making messy all over the rug, Larry explains to his Dad that he might be a shapeshifting monster; however, his Dad being the enabler he is, insists that Larry is simply showing the psychological elements of Lycanthropy (someone who believes they’re a wolf – instead of the dawg we know Larry to be).
Larry goes on to morph, yet again, into his fury counterpart and stalks through the local forest. This time he gets his leg caught in a bear trap. Finally, we are going to witness justice being served! Alas, who comes to his aid? Why the mother whose son Larry bludgeoned to death. Here, she gives the most enabling diatribe of the entire story: “The way you walked was thorny; through no fault of your own. But as the rain enters the soil; the river enters the sea; so tears run to a predestined end”…yadda yadda yadda.
Please, let’s be honest here, “The way he walked was horny; it was through every fault of his own; and he wanted to soil more than just the rivers and seas!” I must apologize, I normally don’t get so tawdry on this blog – it’s just that the Wolf Man has left me howling mad!
Larry shifts into a werewolf for one final time and decides he is going to have a howling good time with Gwen. Anyway, thankfully “parentus-wolfus-interruptus“ occurs when John Talbot, Larry’s dad, catches up with them in the woods. Sir Talbot goes all Al Capone in The Untouchables over Larry’s canine rear end, which resulted in Larry going to “live on a farm in the country” if you get my meaning.
The seasoned gypsy woman repeats her prayer but adds, “Your suffering is over, and now you will find peace for eternity.” Finally, your suffering is over, as you have come to the end of this ranting blog post.